I don't really get personal/into deep conversations, opinions or thoughts on this here blog, but today I feel empowered to write something that I've been struggling with lately. Body image. Like a big pink elephant in the room, I'll get it out right in the open up front so I can jump right into it. Perhaps venting and opening up about it will allow some sort of therapy...we'll see.
Last year I was at an unhealthy weight. In the winter I wasn't eating enough during the day to sustain a healthy body weight and I was depressed. In February I decided, with the help of a dear friend, to do something for myself, to get my focus off the things that were dragging me down and to reach a new goal of running and finishing a half marathon. I signed up and instantly took my anger, frustration and energy out on running. Which, of course, left me extremely fit but too much under weight. The problem is, I felt great. I felt like I could get up and run 9-10 miles on an easy day (now that I was in shape). Not to mention I felt like I looked better in clothes, and the size drop made me happy. I realize now that the size (0) was way too small for my height and normal body weight. I realize I may have been running faster, fitting in smaller clothes and feeling great, but on the outside it was just not healthy.
It's safe to say that since I've been back in a relationship I've been healthier and eating more, simply because in the company of a boyfriend you tend to eat like them, but also because I am happier on the inside and content with my life. I am back to a normal weight and back to the way my jeans used to fit (not to mention my already flat butt (Leonard butt) has something there. But why do I feel fat and out of shape when I look in the mirror? I am running at least 3-4 times a week for another half marathon and by all means am not overweight, but my mind is now tricked to feeling it because I was skinnier last year. It's like my mind knows and sees that I am by all means, not fat. But a little voice inside is saying I'm not enough, IT'S not enough. I was faster last year at this time. I was skinnier and more tan. I was better.
I want to defend myself for a second to the people who are actually battling weight issues that I know I am not fat, and a girl my size complaining about weight can come off ridiculous, rude and selfish. But I want to shed light on the fact that everyone has their struggles and their expectations for themselves. I want to overcome this ridiculous and selfish reflection I see when I look in the mirror. I don't know why it's there, but, it is. I want it to go away because quite frankly, it's just annoying. I'm tired of comparing myself to myself, especially when the comparison is out of the question unhealthy.
So how do you overcome these obstacles? How do you give yourself a break? I'm not on the brink of a meltdown, I just figured I'd bring it to the table, in case others were struggling with it, and to gain some new perspectives I may not have thought about.
xoxo
Carrie
5 comments:
Great post! Bravo for being brave and addressing body image. Like you -- and a lot of people -- I struggle with it. I battle with myself, having not yet learned to be as kind to myself as I am to others. (I also compare myself to myself and to others, including you!) I will message you privately.
In the meantime, there are some blogs and websites that may be of some help and support -- among them, operationbeautiful.com and bodyheart.org. And my blog friend Katie has written about how she overcame disordered relationships with food and her body to find self-acceptance and true joy in healthy food and exercise (www.sweettaterblog.com).
I've read a few really good memoirs that have shed a lot of light on food and body issues. I'm reluctant to recommend them because a) they document very severe illnesses that I haven't had and don't have (nor, does it seem, have/do you), and b) they could be "triggers" for some people. But I had a lot of "aha!" moments reading them, so:
- Wasted by Marya Hornbacher (her follow up memoir, Madness: A Bipolar Life, sheds further light on her eating disorder as an extension of bipolar disorder)
- Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown
One of the startling things I learned from these books is that undereating and overexercising lead to mania and fixations on food and the body. I.e., the less one eats, the more one is compelled to physically move, to obsess about food, and to view one's body as fat and flabby.
Some of the most difficult hurdles in healing distorted eating and body image (even "minor" issues) are our culture (we idealize the body and encourage self-hatred and competition, i.e., "fat talk") and and the fact that, in my opinion, body and food issues are addictions. Unlike other addictions, the addicting "substance" (food, our relationship with our body) can't be removed entirely. So it's a matter of reprogramming our thoughts. Not easy!
Ramble, ramble, ramble... I'll message you.
Again, great post! You. Are. Awesome.
Thank you for addressing the i feel fat (but i'm skinny) issue. i've been "skinny" my whole life, but it still sucks when you don't feel good about yourself or when you gain weight, regardless of whether other people weigh more than you. as far as the body image issue, i think that it is a struggle for most people. i've never had an actual eating disorder (though I have had issues with not eating enough when stressed, upset, etc.), and i still feel like it is a constant mental and physical battle to stay at a good weight and to maintain a good body image. i think that the trick is finding a healthy balance between being body conscious without being to hard on yourself, and being happy with yourself without using your happiness as an excuse to let yourself go.
good for you for being open about this carr. you are beautiful. and everyone struggles, but the fact that you know that you are healthier now is a great thing. it takes a long time for your mind to catch up with your confidence. if that makes any sense. just know that i love you and you look fabulous. i will call you soon. we need some SERIOUS catch up time.
I love you more than dc for posting this! It can be hard to find perfection and peace of mind in balance, but it is much easier when you know you aren't alone.
SJP
Carrie,
I loved this post, mostly because it made me feel a little less crazy! I also went through a breakup last winter, after 8 years together, and I was depressed and at an unhealthy weight. Like you, I really felt better about my body then I ever had. Now, I'm also in a great relationship (with a chef)and happier then ever, but look in the mirror and feel fat now that I'm back to my more normal weight. Hopefully we can both figure out this problem!
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