Catching Up- Part II

I wrote that last post before I went to lunch today to head out into the sunshine and park at the local metro park to get some fresh air and relax. I'm nervous for tonight (more on that later). As I left the building after hitting "publish" I had tears rolling down my eyes. March and April were such a tough month for me- spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally- you name it. I cried for two reasons one: because it was hard to write about losing my Grandma and moving away from my friends and family. Two: because I came out stronger on the other side.

I had always read about, and I'm sure you have always read about, how people have this capability to reach far into the depths of a place they never knew was there to find strength, peace, healing, comfort, and confidence when they think they've lost it all. I can't say I felt hopeless- (although I have been there before). But I just...shut off. So to find that inner peace again and center myself was important if not imperative.

In hindsight, I think moving actually came at a perfect time. We moved when it was gloomy March- when everyone was walking around just begging for sunny 55 degree days. We got settled the last week of March and almost instantly things started blooming in the garden that the previous owners left (which is beautiful). I have found a lot of peace and contentment working in our yard and garden- sometimes getting dirty and sweaty (digging out bushes) or just standing and watering the flowers in silence, wearing my Grandma's gardening shoes. The first thing I did was have Jake's niece, Kate, walk out back and hang the birdhouse Grandma bought me a few years ago when I moved into my last apartment. I look in the backyard every day and see it and think of her. I wish so badly she could see the house, but I know she's there- in many many ways she is there.

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With the gloom of winter's end has come a renewed sense for finding what makes me happy- both old and new. I have fallen back into many of my old routines, but decided I needed a new hobby and challenge. In these past several months I "let myself go" as far as routinely working out and things got, well, out of shape. I was running 8-10 miles "for fun" in December and it hurts to run 2-3 right now. It happens. But I also started to notice that I was hating my body and hating myself for gaining some weight. It's maybe 5-7 lbs (I don't know, I haven't weighed myself) but my clothes started feeling different. I hated feeling guilty for eating anything! I started to think, how depleting it is to constantly worry about your weight, especially when no one else probably even notices it. I found myself angry for the life-sentence women hold over themselves for feeling guilty about not being thin. I started working out again and getting "back on track" but felt severely burned out on the ol' running routine. Sure, running burns calories and keeps me thin, but I've never, ever- once in my life- been strong.

Enter: Crossfit.

Saturday I went to an Elements "course" to meet with the trainer one-on-one, go through some motions and do a mini-WOD. Jake (the trainer) said, "We'll have you do some pull-ups" to which my eyes bulged out of my head and spun down the floor at my feet. I told him I've never, not ever, been able to do an unassisted pull-up in my entire life. He assured me we would get there and taught me how to do some with the bands, (and I did) and I remember thinking to myself, "Hey! Look! I'm up here! Chin above a bar!" I didn't even care that it was assisted, it just felt good to be able to get UP THERE!

Here is what I did for my "mini" WOD.

AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 8 minutes:
250M row
7 pull-ups (with bands, remember)
5 deadlifts (75 lbs- I actually added 20 lbs bc 55 was light!)

I did 3 rounds total and felt great (he even complimented my cardiovascular abilities to which I attributed to my running history).

What I am hoping to get out of Crossfit isn't just a quick solution to add to the list of things I have done to workout (pilates, yoga, running/1/2 marathons) but to start worrying about how strong I am rather than how skinny I am. I want to shift this attitude, this death sentence we put on ourselves that "river season is near I better stop eating as much" and to start thinking, "river season is here, this year I'll be strong enough to try wake boarding for the first time." Plus, I can't wait to write a post about when I do multiple pull-ups on my own.

Regardless, I am still nervous and doubting myself that I can't and won't be able to do this. I'm signing up for a month to see how I feel after it and going from there. I'm sure I'll be eating my words/this post in one month because of the results and how I'll feel. In the meantime I have to remember March and April and how, somehow, I reached deep down and got through something I didn't think I'd be able to do.

Life is tricky like that, ain't she?